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Chancellor announces major improvements to Bascom Hill

April 1, 2018 By Käri Knutson

After funding fell through for the Bascavator, an escalator on Bascom Hill, UW–Madison has developed a new plan for helping weary students:  a rest stop midway up Bascom Hill.

Construction will start April 1, following the demise of the Bascom Igloo.

Chancellor Rebecca Blank came up with the innovative idea, convinced that students can build both calf muscles and character in a less strenuous manner.

“Why no one has done this before is beyond me. Have you walked up that thing? It’s a mountain, not a hill,” Blank said. “Students need to conserve their energy for studying. And meme-making.”

Meme of car swerving off highway

The new rest area is expected to have a dramatic effect on student traffic.

The rest stop will come complete with bathroom facilities, massage chairs, picnic tables and vending machines containing energy drinks, protein bars and Cheetos – since you burn exactly one Cheeto during the climb, according to every campus visitor guide.

The news came as a surprise to Laurent Heller, vice chancellor for finance and administration.

“When she came to me with the idea, I thought she was joking and laughed,” he said. “She didn’t.”

Construction is scheduled to finish the semester after every student graduates.